Starscream in Pee-Wit
by Alexis Raphael
Summary: Starscream is a poor country-bot who works hard for a living and shares a place with his best friend Skywarp. But all that changes when fortune (or dumb luck) starts showering him with opportunities. Along the way, he meets the noble Lord Thundercracker and the shepherd Grimlock.


I had a lot of fun the last time I tortured my favorite robots in a fairy tale, so here I am doing it again! I hope you like this tale, and please tell me what you think of it; I love reviews! Anyhow, I now present to you:

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**Starscream in Pee-Wit**

A poor country-bot by the name of Starscream once lived with his best friend Skywarp in a quiet manner in the state where he was born. One day as he was plowing-

_Starscream: On Cybertron? How does that even work? In case you haven't read the comics, Cybertron's a world of steel. Plowing is for puny fleshlings, not Elite Decepticon Fliers! I take it as an insult! Not to mention the fact that Skywarp is NOT my friend!_

_A.R.: I'm the one writing this story, Screamer, and I'll do what I want. If you don't like it, then I have three words for you: suck it up._

_Starscream: Don't call me Screamer..._

-As he was plowing, he heard somebody call him. Looking around, he saw only a bird that kept squawking out, "Star's cream, star's cream, star's cream!" It so happened that tit was a salesbird for a sunscreen called Star's Cream, but Starscream took the advertising the wrong way and thought it was making fun of him, so he sent a cluster-bomb after it, but he missed and hit one of his own oxen instead.

_Thundercracker: Yeah-like we haven't seen that before._

_Skywarp: What? Miss or kill an animal?_

_Thundercracker: Both._

_A.R.: Dudes, this isn't a commentary page; people are trying to read! No commentary!_

"That stupid bird!" fumed Starscream, "It's all his fault! What am I supposed to do with one ox?!"

Then he got an idea and without further ado, he sent the other ox to join his brother in Heaven.

_Skywarp: Aaaaaaawwwwwww..._

_Thundercracker: How can you say that?! Starscream just killed an animal in cold energon!_

_Skywarp: Yeah, but it went to Heaven._

_A.R.: What did I say about commentary?!_

_Skywarp: You not to._

_A.R.: Right. And if you don't stop it now, you're both going to join Starscream's oxen!_

_Thundercracker: Shutting up._

Starscream then disassembled them both and took the parts to the junk-bot's house. Before knocking, though, he rudely decided to look through the window where he saw the junk-bot's wife hiding a friend of hers in an old chest. Starscream knocked and when the door opened, the femme said; "What do you want, stranger?"

Starscream replied that he wished to sell his junk parts.

"Well, my husband isn't home and he makes all the purchases for the junkyard-but those wings of yours should appeal to him. Wings are in high demand these days."

"Wait! I'm not selling my wings!"

"You said your junk parts. You look like a walking scrapheap to me. Forget to take a shower or something?"

"Watch yourself, femme! Or I'll take my business somewhere else!"

"Where else? This junkyard is the only one around."

"Grrrrrr...I'll give the parts in exchange for that old chest."

"No deal!"

Just then the junk-bot returned and Starscream put the proposition to him.

"Whatever. Just give me the parts." He said.

With that, and much to the junk-bot's wife's horror, Starscream picked up the chest and toted it home. On the way, the mech inside made himself heard and begged to be let out. Starscream, seeing opportunity, bargained with him until he stated that he was willing to give all that he had on his person to be let out. Starscream agreed and a rumpled and dented Bumblebee gratefully emerged to fork over his stuff. This included a watch, oil can, a piece of paper on which he had played Decepticon hangman, a small can of banana yellow paint, two Megatron trading cards, an MP3 with ten thousand Justin Beiber songs downloaded, a stamp with Optimus Prime on it, Two armies of plastic toy soldiers from Earth, a blow-up rubber ball, and to top it off, a tidy sum of ten million credits-the equivalent of ten million dollars. Bumblebee was just happy to get away. As for Starscream-

_Skywarp: Wait, wait-the Bee has __two__ Megatron trading cards?! Is that selfish or what?_

_Thundercracker: Why does he have ten million dollars on him? Isn't that a too much for a little 'bot like him to just carry around?_

_Starscream: And Justin Beiber? That's pretty bad even for an Autobot! I'll admit that some of the fleshling musical groups are almost tolerable, but Justin Beiber?!_

_A.R.: This is NOT a page about singers, guys, this is a story! If you want to napalm Justin Beiber, then go ahead, but leave it out of my story._

_Starscream: Wait, I can napalm Justin Beiber?_

_A.R.: NO! You will not napalm Justin Beiber! Think of the thousands of hysterical fangirls who would be devastated!_

_Starscream: Thousands?_

_A.R.: Ok, millions. But I've already told you: NO COMMENTARY! And no napalming!_

_Thundercracker: GRRRRR I'd better be in this story at some point..._

-As for Starscream, he went home and built a new house and seemed so rich that his neighbors were curious (and a bit jealous) about all of it. They thought he had taken a trip to a place where gold snow falls. They took him before a justice of the peace to tell them how he had gotten so rich.

_Starscream: Doesn't that violate my constitutional rights?_

_A.R.: In this story, no._

_Starscream: But-_

_A.R.: Let me put it another way: I said so, so it is so! I'M the author here and my word is law! Screamer._

_Starscream: I told you not to call me that..._

When everyone heard that he had sold the parts of his oxen for the money, they all went into a frenzy (something like piranha in feeding frenzy, or carrion birds on a corpse) and killed their oxen, but when they took it to the junk-bot asking for ten million dollars, he just laughed at them and said no. They then asked what he had given Starscream for his oxen, to which the junk-bot replied that he had given him an old chest. At this, they all got really ticked off and plotted to kill Starscream.

_Starscream: Isn't that overkill? I mean, I just got rich._

_Thundercracker: Not when you're the jet in question._

_Skywarp: When do I get a part in the action?_

_A.R.: Shut up and be patient. Gosh, you're really getting annoying!_

Their plan was to shoot Starscream while he was working in his garden. Starscream, however, heard about it and thought hard about a way to get out of it. Then he had an idea.

"Skywarp," he said to his friend, "I would like you to humor me in a little whim of mine."

"Oh, most honored friend, I'd do anything for you. Just name it."

Then Starscream told him to repaint himself in red, white, and blue and work in the garden that day. Skywarp, being the faithful, compliant friend he was, did as he was told and when the neighbors came, they mistook Skywarp for Starscream and gunned him down.

_Skywarp: Jerk! Starscream is a jerk! Sending me out there to be killed! Why didn't he send that little imbecilic Bumblebee out?_

_A.R.: Because you were in the right place and you were getting on my nerves. Besides, who do you think had a part in shooting you?_

_Skywarp: You're a jerk, too! I'm so getting revenge on you-_

_Starscream: Sucker!_

Starscream was rather sorry about this, but he still thought it was a lucky escape for him. Then he thought that he might use the death of his friend to his further profit. So he repainted Skywarp in his own colors and set him beside the road with a basket of energon in his hand.

_Thundercracker: Wait, Skywarp should be full of laser holes and whatnot and it should be obvious that he's dead; how would that work?_

_A.R.: It's called fiction for a reason, Thundercracker._

_Skywarp: That is so disrespectful! And morbid!_

_A.R.: It's in the fairy tale._

Soon, a coach with six fine horses came along, and within it sat the noble lord Thundercracker-

_Thundercracker: I knew it! I'm a noble lord! I rock!_

_A.R.: Just keep tellin' yourself that._

When the noble lord Thundercracker saw the basket of delicious looking energon, he stopped the carriage and went to Skywarp and asked what the price of the energon was. There was no answer. He asked it again. Still no answer. Then the noble lord Thundercracker got mad and hit Skywarp so hard that he fell off the bench and into the pond behind it. Starscream then came out and bemoaned the loss of his dearest friend. The noble, but stupid, lord Thundercracker then got scared and begged Starscream not to take him to court for murder, offering the coach and horses in return. Starscream took it and while the relieved noble lord Thundercracker went off in one direction, Starscream and the coach and horses went back to town. When he got there, his neighbors all wondered at the fine beasts and coach, but still more when Starscream got out at his door. Then he told them the whole story and they got really angry that the first assassination attempt hadn't gone according to plan, so they overcame Starscream and sealed him into a large tub and made ready to throw him into the lake. On the way, though, they passed a bar and stopped to have a drink. Starscream, finding himself alone, began to turn over in his mind ways he could escape. Then he heard a flock of sheep, so he started shouting out; "I will not be burgomaster! I will not be burgomaster! I will not be-"

"Me, Grimlock not know what 'bot in tub is talking about." The shepherd said, coming up to the tub.

"They want to make me burgomaster, but I would not do it, so they put me in this tub and are going to throw me in the lake!

"Me, Grimlock think it would be good to be burgomaster."

"If you want to be burgomaster, then you must trade places with me." Grimlock agreed and soon Starscream's neighbors came out and started to roll the tub again. Grimlock, from within it, started yelling, "I be burgomaster! I be burgomaster!"

_Grimlock: Me, Grimlock not know what burgomaster is._

_A.R.: It's sort of like a mayor. A long time ago in Germany, meat was really important, so the guy who made hamburgers was like the top dog, and he sort of ruled the people._

_Skywarp: So that's what it means..._

One of the bots said, "In your dreams!" and they then threw Grimlock and the tub into the lake, leaving him to get out as best he could. But as they came into the village, they found Starscream driving a flock of excellent sheep to his home.

They asked, "Where did you get those sheep?" and he replied, "The lake is enchanted. When you pitched me in, I sank to the bottom and finally knocked the top of the cask out. There in the lake I found a beautiful meadow with a lot of sheep, so I picked a few out for myself and came back here. There are lots left, why don't you all go down and fetch some?"

The neighbors all excitedly rushed down to the lake and there they saw the reflections of the clouds, but they thought that they were the sheep on the bottom. So they all dove in, one after the other. Starscream, meanwhile, jogged home, happy with what he had gotten, and laughing at the stupidity of the others.

_Starscream: Wait, I didn't get world domination? This story sucks!_

_A.R.: Tough luck, Screamer. It wasn't in the script._

_Starscream: I'll show you the script, fleshling moron!_

_A.R.: Put the cluster-bombs away, Starscream!_

_Starscream: Say your prayers!_

_A.R.: Hey, y'all, please review. I probably won't be alive to read it, but it would let me rest easier in my grave. Starscream, NOOOOO!_


End file.
